all origins ask why

As my Fulbright grant period winds down (just over six weeks left!), I realize it yet again: I can integrate myself all I want into a place, but at the end of the day, I’m also still a U.S. American girl-woman. I’m not Dominican. And actually - I'm happy about that. Then again, things are never that black and white...

You see, I grew up with a very critical view of my home country. I often felt ashamed to admit my nationality when traveling abroad, and preferred to cling to some sort of nebulous global identity, reveling in the fact that my phenotype allowed me to get away with it. It was a combination of disapproval of the majority of my country's actions, nagging class consciousness, and a real embrace of other cultures and ways of life that is grounded in my own diverse heritage. I haven’t rejected that world-citizen identity, per se, but lately I have actually developed national appreciation. I won’t go so far as to call it pride, and maybe a large part of it has to do with Barack Obama, but these days I don’t feel quite so bad about admitting where I’m from.

I like bachata and salsa, but damn, I miss hip-hop and jazz. The beaches here are beautiful, but have you seen the Blue Ridge Mountains or the Eastern Shore? Here there are a lot of Dominicans and Haitians and Haitian-Dominicans, but that's nothing compared to the diversity of the United States, which I sorely miss. Where else but on a U.S. campus can you find a Hindu Student Association diwali holiday event with more non-Hindus than Hindus, or a step show whose audience contains a range of complexions?

And the messed up things that I so despise about my own country are put into perspective the more I learn about the messed up things in this – and every other – country. I'm a Southern girl, and while I love barbecue and country music, I also take issue with the racist ideology that often comes along with U.S. Southern culture. Ironically, though, I think I've faced racism much more blatantly here than I ever have in Virginia - probably because ignorance is universal, and I'm accustomed to Virginian, but not Dominican, manifestations of it. And I'm used to complaining about my own government, but after seeing the level of corruption that exists in this government (I'm talking narco-trafficking ties at the executive level), I no longer think the U.S. is singularly screwed. This makes me excited about re-integrating myself into my homeland and the issues of my own country. Global issues are an important aspect of health inequalities, but at least for the next few years, I think it’s time that I got better acquainted with the local – my local.

At the same time, I have achieved a strong sense of belonging – I speak like a capitaleña, I know my way around this city better than I know most U.S. cities, and I made strong connections with some people and places. I've learned probably as much about myself through experiences in and related to this country over the past three years than throughout all of high school and college in the United States. I guess it’s about spanning boundaries gracefully; knowing how to manage a multifaceted identity, and understanding what can be integrated and what cannot and how. There are interpersonal connections that go far beyond nationality or language barriers, and some things - like music - are universal by nature. At the same time, every place is unique, and I miss the uniqueness of my homeland. The challenge is balancing these seemingly contradictory forces in a single identity.